THE DAILY DOT: What it really means to be in a dominant/submissive relationship

When it comes to understanding BDSM, non-practitioners generally equate the kinky lifestyle with the chains, ropes, whips, and handcuffs found in Christian Grey’s “red room of pain” in Fifty Shades of Grey. And among the different elements included in the BDSM portmanteau (bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism), the middle portion (a dom sub relationship) may be the most difficult to understand for those outside the kink community.

Often equated with sadism and masochism (SM), dominance and submission plays with the concepts of power and control rather than physical sensation. In a Dominant/submissive, aka Dom/sub or simply D/s, relationship, the power dynamic between the participants is the kink. Essentially, the person in the dominant role takes partial or total control over the person in the submissive role.

While the D/s relationship can be physical and/or sexually intimate, physical contact is not necessary for domination and submission, which may be conducted digitally or over the phone as well. For example, financial domination (findom) doesn’t require any physical contact, just monetary transactions. There is no singular way to be in a D/s relationship. People in D/s relationships can also be romantically involved with one another or not, monogamous or not (as in polyamorous or open), and of any gender or sexuality.

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What it really means to be in a Dominant/submissive relationship by Tiffany Diane Tso

Oct. 28th, 2018


BITCH MEDIA: HOW TO SUPPORT TRANS, INTERSEX, AND NONBINARY FOLKS IN THIS NIGHTMARISH HELLSCAPE

On October 21, the New York Times outlined the Trump administration’s latest attempt to redefine gender as “a biological, immutable condition determined by genitalia at birth.” The memo was rightfully met with fear, horror, and fury by intersex and transgender (including nonbinary) folks across the country. Since then, the U.S. Justice Department has informed the Supreme Court that civil-rights laws don’t protect workers from gender-based discrimination—or, put another way, that it’s legal to fire trans employees for being trans.

In times like these, it can be hard for cisgender folks to react without appearing patronizing, performative, or complacent. And trans folks often disagree on the best ways for allies to show support. Some say that voting is paramount, while others dismiss politics as ineffective. Some collect donations for national trans-rights organizations, while others prefer donating to individuals.

While it’s okay to indulge in these arguments, any action taken is better than standing idly by. Don’t know where to start? Here are six ways to support trans, intersex, and nonbinary folks in your community and across the country:

 

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How to support Trans, Intersex, and Nonbinary folks by Molly Woodstock

Oct, 26th, 2018


AWT: The Feminist’s Guide to Sex Toys

I did not own a sex toy until I was in my late twenties. By that point, I’d had multiple sexual partners and a few meaningful long-term relationships. I had already moved countries, adapted to different cultures, and had a child. But I had yet to discover the treasure island that was my own body.

I remember the first time I stepped into a sex shop—Good Vibrations in Coolidge Corner, Boston. The salesperson tried to engage me, but I wanted none of it. It was bad enough that I was there—to need this “electronic device” that was supposed to help me figure out my sex life. I grabbed the simplest looking slim vibe (it looked like a candlestick with a dial at the bottom) and dashed out of there as though I had done something wrong.

But I returned soon after. My little helper had sparked a curiosity about my body like never before. This time around, I ventured to the bookshelves, hoping for some reading material to help me understand my body, pleasure, and sex in general. There were some—not as many as there are today—but enough to convert the experience of purchasing a sex toy into one that I actively pursued with confidence instead of one that was pressured by shame. I learned about foreplay, the slick gift that is the lubricant, the different forms of barriers, and all the novelties that would help send my body and spirit up into heavenly bliss while I sprawled so beautifully and comfortably in the privacy of my own bed.

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The Feminist's Guide to Sex Toys by Sid Azmi

Oct. 26th, 2018


NEXTCITY: How Sex Workers Made San Francisco Safer for Everyone

San Francisco has a unique city department that most cities don’t have: the Department on the Status of Women. This department works to ensure that women and girls in the community have equal economic, social, political and educational opportunities, and helps to resolve issues that impact marginalized women and girls the most.

The mission of San Francisco’s Department on the Status of Women has included mediating discussions between the city’s sex workers and police — discussions that led to a simple policy that could save lives: amnesty for sex workers in the city who report violent crimes.

Sex workers — those who engage in consenting sex in exchange for money, as opposed to sex trafficking victims, who engage in non-consenting sex — often don’t report crimes, fearing that law enforcement officers will arrest them or take advantage of them, instead of investigating crimes they report. Their fears are not unwarranted.

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How Sex Workers made San Francisco safer for everyone by Hannah Albarazi

Oct. 25th, 2018


EFF: Blunt Policies and Secretive Enforcement Mechanisms: LGBTQ+ and Sexual Health on the Corporate Web

The free and open Internet has enabled disparate communities to come together across miles and borders, and empowered marginalized communities to share stories, art, and information with one another and the broader public—but restrictive and often secretive or poorly messaged policies by corporate gatekeepers threaten to change that.

Content policies restricting certain types of expression—such as nudity, sexually explicit content, and pornography—have been in place for a long time on most social networks. But in recent years, a number of companies have instituted changes in the way policies are enforced, including demonetizing or hiding content behind an age-based interstitial; using machine learning technology to flag content; blocking keywords in search; or disabling thumbnail previews for video content.

While there are some benefits to more subtle enforcement mechanisms—age restrictions, for example, allow content that would otherwise be removed entirely to be able available to some users—they can also be confusing for users. And when applied mistakenly, they are difficult—if not impossible—to appeal.

In particular, policy restrictions on “adult” content have an outsized impact on LGBTQ+ and other marginalized communities. Typically aimed at keeping sites “family friendly,” these policies are often unevenly enforced, classifying LGBTQ+ content as “adult” when similar heterosexual content isn’t. Similarly, as we noted last year, policies are sometimes applied more harshly to women’s content than to similar content by men.

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Blunt Policies and Secretive Enforcement Mechanisms: LGBTQ+ and Sexual Health on the Corporate Web by Jillian C. York

Oct. 24th, 2018


HUFFPOST: How To Help Trans, Nonbinary Communities Amid Reported Trump Policy Plans

 The Trump administration is working on a plan to severely narrow the legal definition of gender, according to a report in The New York Times on Sunday.

The proposed policy, according to the Department of Health and Human Services, would define gender “on a biological basis that is clear, grounded in science, objective and administrable,” meaning it would define gender as either male or female as determined by genitalia at birth. Any dispute about an individual’s gender would require genetic testing. This would have major repercussions for the transgender and gender nonconforming communities ― particularly in regard to health care.

Roughly 1.4 million Americans identify as transgender, and as of 2017, violence against this community is on the rise.

Since the Trump plan was revealed, protesters have been gathering online ― often using the hashtag #WontBeErased ― and in person around the country. On Sunday night, several hundred people gathered in Washington Square Park in New York City.

But there is still a lot of work to be done to make sure the trans and gender nonconforming communities are protected. Here are some ways you can help:

Vote

You’ve likely seen people coming out in droves to encourage others to vote; it’s one of the most important things you can do as an American. Casting ballots at the federal, state and local levels affects transgender rights. Check Vote.org for ways to promote turnout in your area. Call your friends and family members nearby to go to the polls with you, and remind those in other states to vote too.

Educate yourself

Being an ally isn’t just patting your trans or nonbinary friends on the back or retweeting them occasionally. It’s about respect and fighting for their rights.

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How To Help Trans, Nonbinary Communities Amid Reported Trump Policy Plans by Jenna Amatulli

October 22, 2018

Image Source: YANA PASKOVA VIA GETTY IMAGES


HUFFPOST: Why I’m Proud To Be A Middle-Aged Stripper

Bourbon Street’s gelatinous humidity had just tipped over into rain when a 50-something white man walked in to Larry Flynt’s Hustler Club. I was spread eagle on cold marble before a sparse, unappreciative crowd, so I was grateful for his $2 tip. I found him at the bar after my set and thanked him.

Jeff turned out to be the kind of customer who asks questions. How old was I? (38, but I told him 32.) How long had I been doing this? (Off and on for decades, though I said a year.) But what else did I do? (Writing.) How would I feel if someone I knew walked into the club?

I didn’t like where this conversation was headed.

“I’d be OK with that. I’m not ashamed of my job,” I said — though I hadn’t always felt that way.

“If you could do anything for work,” my ersatz life coach said, looking over his beer, “what would you do?”

Jeff must have assumed my ideal life looked nothing like the one I was living. Sometimes I can’t believe I’m still dancing, either. Sex work was meant to be a means to an end, something to do until I got my real vocation off the ground. But as I face middle age with the writing career I wanted ― and no intention to hang up my heels ― I realize “stripper” is part of my identity.

It started when I was 19. I met a man 27 years my senior among the French Market’s incense burners, Creole tomatoes and alligator heads. He bought me dinner, took me shopping and gave me a part-time job at his business.  At the time, I didn’t realize ours was a sugar daddy-baby relationship — I just knew it helped pay my tuition.

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Why I'm proud to be a middle-aged Stripper by Missy Wilkinson

Oct. 22nd, 2018


FORBES: Would 'Deviant' Sex Robots Violate Asimov's Law of Robotics?

Like it or not, sex robots are already here, and someday they might hurt you, if you ask nicely.  As they cater to an ever-increasing range of tastes, some folks predict BDSM types (bondage, discipline, and sadomasochism) in the future bedroom.

But, wait, you might ask: wouldn’t these “deviant” or non-normative types violate the basic robot-ethics principle to not hurt people?

Sci-fi writer Isaac Asimov gave us the First Law of Robotics is: a robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.  But sex-bots that spank, whip, and tie people up would seem to do exactly that.

Though it might seem silly, this discussion is actually relevant to AI and robotics in many other industries.  What constitutes harm will be important for, say, medical and caretaking robots that may be instructed to “do no harm.”

Here, we’ll go deeper into the question, suspending our disbelief that Asimov’s Laws are mostly a plot device and not a serious proposal.  The first thing we need to do is to make sure that the Law in question is conceptually clear, especially its key terms of “harm” and “injury” (which we’ll take as synonymous enough).

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Would 'Deviant' sex robots violate Asimov's Law of Robotics? by Patrick Lin

Oct. 15th, 2018


THE GUARDIAN: 'It absolutely should be seen as rape': when sex workers are conned

The texts trigged no alarm bells for Gabrielle (name has been changed), a Brisbane sex worker. Her new client seemed nervous, even afraid, but he didn’t seem dangerous.

“He was saying, ‘oh I’m really, really nervous. This is the first time I’ve ever hired anybody’,” she told Guardian Australia recently.

“I just told him ‘look, that’s fine’. I’m a pretty approachable person. I’m quite friendly and down to earth so I was just trying to make him feel comfortable.”

Gabrielle didn’t know it at the time, but the client was repeating a set of behaviours he’d already used to con other sex workers in Brisbane out of payment.

In some jurisdictions, courts have found that when a person cons a sex worker – refuses or evades the agreed payment for sex – such acts constitute rape, because consent for the sexual act was obtained fraudulently.

But Gabrielle’s case led to a wildly different outcome. Her offender was convicted of fraud, an outcome that initially left her conflicted.

“Originally I did feel like he should have been charged for rape and I was pushing for that. In my mind, payment equals consent and if you take away the payment I wouldn’t be consenting to having sex with him,” Gabrielle said.

Read the full article:

'It absolutely should be seen as rape.' when sex workers are conned by Michael McGowan + Christopher Knaus

Oct. 12th, 2018


PSYCHCENTRAL: Could Kinky Sex Improve Your Relationship?

What does the term BDSM conjure up for you? Whips and chains? Weird people in masks in dark basements?

Although the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy has enjoyed blockbuster success and helped to bring BDSM into the mainstream, many people hold plenty of misconceptions about it, and may still equate kinky sex with perversion, weirdness, even abuse. 

Adherents of the sexy acronym would like you to know otherwise, and they’ve got some compelling science to back them up.

BDSM, or Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism & Masochism, has been around in some form since the ancient Greeks, but seems to be enjoying a surge in popularity in recent years. According to a survey by Durex, a whopping thirty-six percent of US adults use blindfolds, bondage tools or other such toys during sex, and many others are engaging in role-playing and fantasy to spice things up in the bedroom. 

The essence of the majority of this type of activity involves an element of power-play and control, where one partner is more submissive to or dominant over the other. As a result, the interactions generally require a high degree of trust, negotiation, and communication as compared to more ‘vanilla’ or non-kinky sex. 

Dr. Sandra LaMorgese, a professional dominatrix and holistic practitioner living in New York City, believes BDSM can actually help couples relax and bond. “During BDSM sessions, clients often experience a release of dopamine and serotonin, the brain’s feel-good neurotransmitters. These two chemicals are associated with feelings of happiness, tranquility, joy, self-confidence, emotional well-being, and motivation. In addition, the release of the chemical vasopressin compels people toward feeling bonded to one another” she says.

Could Kinky Sex Improve your Relationship? by Mike Bundrant

Oct. 10th, 2018